2 Years ago, today.

Even though this is posted on the world wide web, I am also using my blog as an effective way to preserve my thoughts and adventures - journaling - and plan to have it printed up into a hard-bound book. Excuse me, while I get a little "deep".

My younger brother (by 21 months), Ryan Joseph, died after crashing a motorcycle (bullet bike, to be exact)) 2 years ago, today. Naturally, this day will forever hold a tender spot in our hearts.  If I were in Utah, I would probably visit the Orem City Cemetery, and bring flowers to adorn his head stone.

Ryan has a beautiful headstone, designed by his very close friend, Shem Greenleaf. The top left corner is framed with Maile (as in a lei) and has a beautiful ocean scene with a soft-breaking shore wave and 3 coconut trees. The word "Aloha" is inscribed on the ocean. Perfect.

On Kauai, Ryan also has a memorial spot. If you know him, you know that he is a soccer player. He spent years and years (and years) playing soccer on the same fields. One of those fields is a field right off the ocean called Kapa'a Beach Park. Some very close friends were able to have a Bench built and dedicated to him. So special.

When I stop and think about him, the first emotion that hits is that I really miss him. I miss his care-free, humbug self! He has a way of making me feel like I was special to him, even though we didn't really spend that much time together outside of our own family/home life, we're friends. He really has a way of making everyone feel important and most of all, loved. I'm sad that I can't just call him up and make sure he's doing alright. I'm sad that we can't make long-term plans for our kids to grow up together. And I am pretty darn sad that we never went to the salt-flats to ride, like we said we would! Even though there are so many wonderful memories made during those 20 years... there are still so many that I will miss.

Another thing I think about is, of course, Sianni, his daughter. She is such a beautiful, lively, silly, active, talkative, loving, 3 year old, who loves to be the center of attention. She represents - to me - LIFE itself. When I am around her, I smile. She is such a happy little girl. However, I can't but reflect on what she has lost. She has a wonderful mother, uncle, grandparents, and great-grandmother that she lives with, who absolutely adore her to pieces! The Sakais are such good people! They were all very close to Ryan and will, no doubt, teach Sianni how much he loves her.

Reflecting on that absolutely dreadful day, two years ago - the most intense of emotions fill me up. What a horrible thing it is to learn that someone you love has died so unexpectedly! Words cannot even describe the pain your heart goes through - for days! - processing all those words entail.

I am so incredibly blessed to know the truth.  To know of The Plan of Salvation that my Heavenly Father prepared for me and my family (and everyone). I know that because Jesus Christ died, we will all be resurrected! I know that I will see Ryan again! I cannot explain to you how much knowing this has brought me peace. I am sad because he is gone and I will not see him again in this life. But I know I will see him again.

Losing someone you love is not something you can fully understand unless you have gone through it. However, by going through it, I am a more complete person and I am able to truly empathize with others who lose some one so close. I able to mourn with those who mourn.

Ryan's death has been by far the most difficult thing I have ever had to go through, emotionally. I have been blessed to have such a solid rock for a husband. He really is my rock. Even still, two years later, Cam bouys me up when I miss my brother.

I love you, Ryan! I look forward, with so much anticipation, to the day when I will be able to give you a big ol' hug and see your smile and hear your laugh, again!